I really wanted to say something profound for my husband and my 25th wedding anniversary. After all, it is truly a milestone to be married for this long and still like my husband 🙂
However when I consider our 25 years together I can’t think of any one deep, meaningful conclusion. What I am aware of is moments. Indelible, fleeting moments that might not mean much to anyone else, but when added together create something indefinable that we call marriage. It is much more than the sum of it’s parts, it is much more than simply a relationship or partnership. ‘Marriage’ is a definitely a ‘thing’ all it’s own.
When I ponder that amorphous ‘thing’, I remember many of these fleeting moments & realizations I have had along the way and I am aware of so many things that I appreciate about my husband. My musings includes things such as:
- That juncture in time when we first kissed, just over 25 years ago, and everything changed. The universe spun, my worldview cracked, and this man I barely knew was part of me in an instant. I remember marrying ourselves 2 weeks later and never looking back.
- Laughing until we couldn’t breathe over the silliest of things that make absolutely no sense when we try to tell others.
- Being happy at home together watching TV or movies. Spending entire weekends watching endless hours and entire seasons of shows such as Star Trek TNG, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, and Battlestar Galactica, while having our meals delivered so we didn’t have to take a break from the show.
- Appreciating my husband’s ability to connect deeply in an instant, and to then let go and create space between us just as quickly and easily.
- Always being willing to dig deep and tell truths at the core level of our being. Sharing our deepest darkest secrets with each other effortlessly and freely.
- Being able, at any point in time to ask questions such as ‘what is your greatest fear’ and know that I will get a well thought out and vulnerable, raw answer, without it being a big deal, but rather, just normal dinner conversation.
- Being able to laugh one minute, cry deeply the next, and then be on to the next topic in an instant.
- Participating in, creating, and leading workshops together. Knowing that our relationship pushes us to be the best we can be, and to fulfill our purpose on the planet.
- Learning to communicate wants and needs clearly and also realizing that some of those needs may never be met.
- Knowing that some of my behaviors are completely unacceptable to my husband, and vice versa, but knowing we will find a way to live with it.
- ‘Getting up after the night of grief and despair, weary and bruised to the bone, and doing what needs to be done to for the children’ (taken from ‘The Invitation’ by Oriah). In our case, the children being our kitties, our jobs, and the workshops and work we do together.
- 5 times each day, every day, meeting in the kitchen to give our kitties their medical treatments, no matter how we feel or what else is going on in our lives.
- Commitment to doing whatever it takes to keep our relationship alive, passionate, and growing.
- Horrible, ugly, screaming fights that wear us down and leave us both feeling defeated and wanting to give up. Sucking it up, even when we really don’t want to, over and over again, and recommitting to working it out, and falling in love again.
- Both of us feeling hurt, betrayed, and lied to. Pulling ourselves up out of the pain, anger and hurt to find out what was really going on with the other and coming to terms with the depth of their hurt and pain as well as our own.
- Accepting the reality that when we are angry and triggered, all of the advice and personal growth and resourceful behaviors that we are capable of mean nothing; we often fight and argue like 3 year olds throwing temper tantrums. Trusting that we will eventually shift and find a way to work it out.
- Working it out. Over and over and over again.
- Acknowledging to our workshop participants and the people in our lives our worst failures as well as our shining successes. Both of us knowing that there is nothing to hide and that the best gift that we have to give is our authentic selves.
- Forgiveness. Daily.
- Learning tolerance, learning when to keep fighting and when to just accept, learning to set boundaries and accept the things we cannot change.
- Getting cancer, and having my husband hold my hand, my heart, and my healing with fierceness, humor, action, and the same fun loving spirit that he brings to everything he does.
- Remembering him, after each of my surgeries, (my Aries man who can barely remain still for more than one TV show at a time), take daily, very slow walks with me, while helping me stretch my arms. I had no range of motion when we started; I remember the day when I cried because I could reach my arms over my head again. He simply smiled his all knowing smile, which communicated that he never doubted my success or recovery.
- Remembering all the people that stuck by us both together and apart. Remembering both of us feeling betrayed and losing friends when I had cancer, (and from other events), people who we thought were like family. Remembering learning from our experiences, growing and rebuilding, and recreating our lives and community anew.
- Understanding him when his work, his career, and his passion collapsed, and being willing to let it all go to start over. Remembering that what we have most in common is our commitment to that which matters most to both of us; living our lives fully and purposefully.
- Countless amazing vacations and journeys together.
- Buying our first house together and trusting that we would figure out a way to pay the mortgage. Much later, building a home together, with an untenable amount of fights and arguments, but finding the fun and joy in the adventure in spite of ourselves. Making a longtime dream come true of living on our beloved Lake Naci.
- Being in awe of my husband’s talents, skills, creativity, commitment and passion for growth, and his relentless pursuit of truth.
- Knowing that when it comes to the important stuff, we can count on each other to keep our word, no matter what.
- The familiarity of waking up every day to the same person day after day, year after year, for over 25 years with comfort and ease.
- Having my husband be my best friend and the best companion, partner, playmate, and spiritual soulmate a girl could ever have. Always appreciating how hot and sexy he is.
- Knowing each other. Simply knowing each other in ways that only living together long term in vulnerable transparency brings.
- Watching him watching me and knowing that he loves and appreciates the best in me and that he sees me in a way that no one else can actually see. Knowing that he also sees the absolute worst in me, and that he loves me anyways.
In 25 years there are so many little things and so many moments that I cannot even begin to comprehend it, let alone put it into words. And as the years flow rapidly by, all the experiences, memories, adventures, and struggles seem to blend together. So even though I can’t really think of any one thing that is profound, when I consider all that we have shared and experienced together, I am humbled. I am struck with the deepest sense of gratitude and appreciation for being blessed with the joy of sharing my life with this amazing man.