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Finding a Soul Mate

People often ask me how to find a soul mate. How do you connect with a partner who matches you?

I don’t necessarily believe that there is just ONE soul mate out there for each of us; on the contrary, I think that we have many soul mates, twin souls, and potential partners.

Part of what is difficult in responding to this question is that timing is important. Perhaps when the time is right, it happens. For example, I didn’t meet my husband, Masen, until I was 34 and he was 22. Before meeting him, I couldn’t understand why I hadn’t created the relationship that I wanted. My ongoing joke is that if I had met him any earlier, it really would have been robbing the cradle; i.e. even though I had no idea at the time why it didn’t happen sooner, I have realized that I was just waiting for Masen to be old enough to marry 🙂 Certainly, he was worth waiting for! And, I wouldn’t have been ready for him one moment sooner.

On the other hand, I love the quote “Chance favors the prepared mind”. I do believe that there is much that we can do to pave the way and create the space for a ‘soul mate’ to show up in our lives.

Here are some ideas:

1.  Do your own personal growth work.

In other words, heal your past pain, and complete with your past. Heal the places where you are angry at or feel betrayed by men or women.

When working with women, I have been amazed to discover that although many are often desperate for a relationship with a man or a partner, they are really angry at men. On the surface, it appears as if they don’t even like them. I often ask, ‘why do you want to be in a relationship with a man considering the way that you feel about them’?

Why would a healthy partner want to consider a relationship in which their potential partner is rageful at them or afraid of them?

I have found the same thing with some men. Sometimes men complain that women are crazy, irrational, manipulative, covert, and needy creatures. I might ask, ‘from that place of judgement, how do you imagine you will attract a healthy woman who is available for relationship?’

I don’t mean to imply that you need to be totally ‘fixed’ or healed in order to have a relationship. However, it is important that you have done enough work on yourself that your conscious and unconscious intentions are in alignment. Seek to have the intention to truly love who the other person is in present time, rather than leading with your feelings of betrayal, expectations of being hurt again, or waiting to be right about what is wrong with the other person or with yourself.

2.  Deal with your co-dependency. In other words, stop waiting for some other person to fulfill your life.

Make a decision to find a way to feel complete, fulfilled and happy even if you spend the rest of your life single. This may mean grieving the end of the fantasy that ‘prince charming’ or ‘the perfect woman’ will come along and rescue you from your life. Learn how to fill your own needs and discover what makes you happy alone. This includes connecting with your purpose in life and living your own dreams.

One of the many benefits of living your own dreams and being true to your purpose in life is that you are much more likely to meet ‘soul mates’ when you are living and breathing what is true to your own heart. Not only will you be more interesting, attractive, congruent, and real, you will be more likely to meet people who are on a similar path as you.

3. Say ‘NO’ to unavailable people. Say ‘NO’ to people who just present you with the same old issues.

In other words, if you tend to date alcoholics, the next time a practicing addict asks you on a date, don’t go! If you are always attracted to charmers that never want to get ‘serious’, the next time one excites you, go in the other direction, quickly.

Commit to getting what you want by saying ‘no’ to what you don’t want. In this way, you are sending out a message to the universe that you won’t settle anymore, that you are closing the door on your old way of doing things, and that you are moving towards getting what you want. You are leaving space in your life for a healthy relationship to show up, rather than hanging out in dysfunctional situations that will never be right for you. Stop chasing after people that aren’t interested in you or can’t give you what you want.

4. Let go of your pictures and expectations.

The more that you open your vision and really see and experience others for who they are, the more that you will find soul mates everywhere. Experience the other’s ‘being’, experience their essence & their energy, rather than just the package and what you see on the surface. Notice how you ‘feel’ in their presence, as opposed to what you ‘think’ about them. Many people have this long list of qualities that they want another person to be and they have expectations and conditions on love. As soon as someone doesn’t meet one of the items or the conditions on the list, they just write that person off. Another possible reaction is to go into a state of denial and to then keep trying to make that person fit into their list qualities, or else rationalize why those behaviors don’t matter or count.

Try this idea on: almost anyone that you are in a relationship with is going to have some qualities and behaviors that you love and adore and other qualities that drive you crazy and that you wish were different or that you find barely tolerable. In addition, most people will have many qualities that don’t have a charge for you either way.

Pick 3 to 4 qualities/behaviors in another that are irreplaceable to you. Choose qualities that are your highest and most important values only. This list should include things like commitment to personal growth, similar spiritual values, honesty, communication, and similar lifestyle choices.

Pick three or four qualities or behaviors that are unacceptable to you. Deal breakers. This list should include qualities such as being a practicing alcoholic or addict, habitual dishonesty, opposite political or spiritual core beliefs, infidelity, etc. Your list shouldn’t include things like ‘he leaves the toilet seat up’ or ‘she wants to talk about feelings all the time’. Consider what behaviors are truly deal breakers, not just things that you find irritating. Remember that you only get to choose 3-4, so be sure that they are your highest values.

If you meet someone who has the qualities on the unacceptable list, move on! If they have the top three to four qualities you want, and they don’t have the unacceptable qualities or ‘deal breakers’ that you don’t want, this person has the potential to be a great partner. Will they fill every need you have? No. However, I personally doubt if anyone can do that.

There is a myth out there that the goal should be to create everything you want, exactly the way that you want it. And to do that, all you have to do is create a list and put it out to the universe. The belief is that anything other than getting everything you want is just settling.

I am not invalidating the usefulness of putting out to the universe what you want or holding a high intention. What I am saying is that sometimes, when people have a long list of what they think another person ought to be, they judge the other based on whether they meet their list of criteria rather than on what the relationship actually feels like. It is easy to spend your time judging whether or not someone fits your conditions, rather than experiencing how you feel in their presence and following your heart. The bottom line is that you might be missing many potential partners because they don’t fit your pictures. Consider the possibility that no one is ever going to meet your pictures.

Consider that what you think you want may never give you what you want. Of course feeling an energetic and passionate connection to another is an important part of what is exciting and motivating in a relationship. However, the type of person who you think you want may only support you in keeping with who you are today and support you in staying with old patterns. It just might be that the person who is not at all what you were seeking is exactly the person that is your ‘soul’s’ desire and who will challenge you to grow in ways you didn’t know you needed or wanted to. That doesn’t mean to imply that just because someone challenges you, they are right for you. I am simply suggesting that the more you can let go of your mental pictures, and experience the other person in the present, the more doors you open for yourself.

Over the years I personally have come to believe that the one most important quality to look for in a partner is someone who is willing to do the work with you. Someone who will go to any lengths to keep passion alive, to keep growing on their own as well as in the relationship is priceless. In almost every relationship, you will experience some issues or challenges that seem irreconcilable, and that may appear almost impossible to overcome.soul mate A partner who will go to therapy, support groups, or personal growth seminars, (not necessarily the ones you think they should) who will work through issues and create change with you, and who is solidly committed to their own growth and the growth of the relationship, is absolutely invaluable. With a partner who will hang in there and work through the hard stuff with you, anything is possible!

In summary, to create the space for a soul mate to show up, some suggestions include the following:

  • Focus on your own life, your own healing, self fulfillment, and fulfillment of your purpose in life.
  • Keep your mind and heart open, and rather than viewing others as potential ‘mates’, really experience others for who they are. Let them see you for who you are.
  • Rather than trying to make things work with others by trying to be who you think others want you to be or trying to make them into who you want them to be,  allow the space for what is really there between you to show up by being honest, vulnerable, & open to something new.

These thoughts are meant as ideas to support you in creating the kinds of partnerships that you want in your life; they aren’t meant as truths or beliefs for you to hold onto. I hope that this is useful in stimulating your growth and processing in this area.

~Inspired Girl


  1. Your recommendations are spot on and valuable. But your side bar on “soulmates” defeats the purpose. The sidebar identifies the wonderful aspects of romance, limerence, the beginnings of a relationship. But the 10 things posted are dependent on circumstance and a confluence of temporary conditions. The are not the end all and be all of true, lasting love. These things are only temporary, especially if one doesn’t heed your advice.
    The soulmate myth is what sinks real love and leads people to constantly seek new partners when the early excitement and romance dwindles.

    • Thanks for you thoughts on this. I do agree, myths about ‘the perfect mate’ and ‘soulmates can cause people to think that they should always feel the way they do at the beginning of a relationship. I did not intend to imply that at all. Just that having a good, solid energetic connection with the right person is a good starting point for relationship. So many people try to ‘make’ relationships work with someone that is just not right for them. However, no matter how well matched you are with another, the initial feelings of ‘romance’ do fade, and all types of conflicts arise. It is our ability to deal with that and push through it that makes relationships last over time. Perhaps the term ‘soulmate’ is just wildly misunderstood or overused. Good points! Thanks!
      ~inspired girl aka Barbara

  2. I agree wholeheartedly with this! I did exactly this and as soon as I was completely ok being single for the rest of my life, Oliver showed up! And he was SO worth the wait! 😉

  3. Great article and good reminder… especially #3. I’ve spent this last year working on that and it has really opened up some good spaces for me. Thanks for sharing, Barb.

  4. this was so helpful & written in a way that was digestable & applicable….thank you…just the read i needed now.

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